A Monster Made Me Sick

I went on Monster.ca this week. Typed in “Financial Advisor” “Toronto” and hit the search button.

As I scrolled through the listings of future jobs that could be mine, I felt sick to my stomach. I had a palpable vision of myself; out of my jeans, into an itchy wool suit. Working in a gray, small cubical with a dingy fluorescent light flickering on and off, and buzzing. Dilbert cartoons are posted all over the cubical as they are my only source of joy in this joyless personal hell. I wanted to vomit.

This was NOT my life when I worked at my old job – in fact, the opposite so I don’t know where this came from. Before, working your way up in the corporate world meant glamorous suits, a fat pay check, a beautiful windowed office that overlooked the lake and fresh fruit that was delivered daily. Even this lovely fantasy makes me squirm in my chair. What’s happening to me?

I literally had a physical reaction to the very idea of going back to the 9 – 5 corporate world. I’m surprised I didn’t break into a rash.

This is not good.

I felt ashamed just looking at job postings – like I’m giving up on Barter Babes. It’s only been four months. There’s still almost eight months ahead of me to figure my post-Barter Babes plan out. So, why am I already looking at the job market?

I’m afraid.

I have $1225 left in my checking account. This will last until December. What happens when the money runs out? What if no one buys my book, or makes a show, or develops a website? What happens to me then? How long do I wait until I call it quits on my dream? I don’t want to go down with a sinking ship, but I don’t want to abandon ship too early either.

It’s scary.

It’s not good that I’m envisioning my return to the corporate world as a death sentence. Going back into the corporate world is my Plan B. B for boring. B for Boo. B for Barter Babes didn’t lead anywhere that could sustain my life financially.

If I want to vomit at the thought of Plan B… maybe I need a Plan C?

What the hell is Plan C though?

I have no idea!  I generally like to avoid thinking about the negatives, but I guess I’ll have to start thinking about that now. If I can’t swallow the idea of returning to the corporate world right now, what else could I do?

Plan C. C for cool? C for crazy? C for Circus?

That’d be good. If Barter Babes is a bust, I think I’ll runaway to the circus with Barter Babe 75.0

Until Next Time…

Barter On Babes

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One Response to A Monster Made Me Sick

  1. HK says:

    I’d hire you back in a second, anywhere, anytime. And I won’t make you sit in a lousy cubicle or wear itchy clothing. Might even provide fruit. With your talents, skills and work ethic, you will NEVER be unemployed unless you want to be. I should also mention, although that would be working against my own ends, there’s a lineup of people at your old firm that feel the same.

    Your former boss,
    HK

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